I’m still here !!!
How time flies ! Every morning when I get up I say I’m really going to write something, and every evening when I get home I think – definitely tomorrow – Procrastination love it ! Done it all my life why should I stop now ! The only trouble is it doesnt get things done ! So it was a toss up – should i stay in and write a blog piece or just go to the local bar and have a drink. Well as you can see the blog won. Now if the bar had have won let me try to explain what its like. Im not sure I have any photographs of it, so here goes.
First of all its on the main tarmac road of Mangochi. In the picture its just behind the tree, which I agree is a bit rubbish but its the only one I have, so hopefully you get the picture – (no pun intended but if you want it you can have it !)
It is just by 2 excessive speed bumps. And when I say excessive I mean huge !
On all the roads there are speed bumps which are preceded by rumble strips, generally 3 sets but occasionally 4 sets.
The picture is a typical Trading Centre. If you look carefully you can see the rumble strips. Trying to negotiate the “Rumbles’ at the same time as the people is not an easy task – and try doing it at night when there is no light whatsoever !
The cars, and they are mainly public transport mini buses or trucks laden with bags, sacks and people, slow down at these rubble strips at a quite ridiculous pace. They almost come to a halt, as you go over each rumble at slower than walking pace. This results in you feeling every rumble as you go over each one. Now my philosophy is if you go over them a little faster you could get the bump all at once. But I guess the Malawian mini buses know what they are doing as they look at me aghast as I take the whole set of strips at running pace ! These strips are before every town and trading centre, after every town and training centre , and in every town and trading centre – Get the gist – there are a lot of them, and when you go over them on the motor bike thats another story.
Then of course there are the Speed humps which really are vicious, and the good old Mini-bus drivers slow down even more, almost where the passengers have to get out and push the minibus over the hump. But having said that I have met a few too many humps at probably a greater speed than I should and thought …….. Oh No ……… but its too late now as my front wheels take off and the contents of the car end up on the floor and again when on the motor bike its generally a shout of “Geronimo !”
I digress ……….. as ever …….The bar as I said is situated on the main tarmac road Its called Sun City ‘ with Peace and Love Bottle store next door ……… 
Its a room that you never really go into. Well I have seen one or two disappear into there but you never see them come out again ! You sit outside on plastic chairs that have a tendency to have a broken leg so that when you sit on it the fourth leg tends to spray out and it feels like you are like a baby giraffe with its legs sprayed out . To over come this the bar staff, who wait on outside and give you one of these seats to sit on, generally as soon as you sit down give you a second chair to place over the first chair to sit on which if you’re lucky has a different leg that is broken so that you can manage to sit without sloping too much. In front of you is a bare wooden table that looks a bit like a trestle table from the local church.
The clientele is predominately male; sat around the tables in groups of 3 or 4 . Now in between the bar and the Tarmac is what I would loosely call a car park, but there is no order to it at all, and the cars just park and in some cases drive in between the tables! And no one bats an eyelid.
Normally when I go, which is usually about twice a month, when I’ve plucked up the courage to walk into this group of people on my own. I get the usual inquisitive looks as I am the only ‘masungu’ there. A member of the bar staff comes up gives me the obligatory 2 chairs next to a table which probably has people already sitting there. I order the customary “Green” which is a bottle of Carlsberg lager. This is the main drink for everyone, or if you really want to live dangerously you have a “Special” which actually to me tastes exactly the same just costs 400 Kwacha more !
Most of the time the people on the table will engage you in conversation, curious about where you are from , what you are doing, where you live etc. You can pretty much guarantee that you will get a conversation of sorts every time. However, I do on occasions seem to get targetted by two groups of people, and as long as you know that its fine. The response to both these groups is pretty much the same. There’s the gentleman who Im sure just waits for me to sit down before he pulls up his two chairs and says in a slightly slurred but extremely loud voice (which reminds me of the “Nutter on the bus” sketch where every looks and thinks Please dont let him sit next to me, Please dont and then thank goodness he’s not sat next to me ! ) ” Welcome to Kenya, Im from Nairobi !” …….. well he sits next to me !
This is kind of strange as I’m in Mangochi in Malawi, but if he thinks he’s in Kenya, who I am to worry. He has now started to welcome me by shouting “Hello Scotty” because he thinks Im from Scotland. I just merely agree with him and try to look away as he just talks non-stop telling me about Kenya slurring his words on a regular basis. The other group are the ones who come up and because you stand out from everyone else come up and tell you their life history, quite soberly, but they do so just to practice their English.
And talking about practicing their English – there is another group that is really keen to do this but it’s not in the bars its out on the roads……… ….. and thats the Malawian Traffic Police. Now I definitely don’t have a photo of this after my last little escapade with them but on all roads there are Police road blocks.
Actually I risked life and limb to day and sneaked one as the usual transportion laden with bags and people went through.
Sometimes there is a barrier which can be lifted or more commonly it consists of three oil drums, one in the middle of the road, and another at either side of the road. Across the two of the oil drums is a bar that pretty much remains static. The bar just stretches across one side of the road. On the other side is a traffic cone. By the side of the road are generally four or five Traffic police. Some are in Uniform, others just dressed casually, not sure who they are but they all do a similar job. One at least carries a gun. As you approach this road block, you come to a halt. Very often you cant even see the police. Sometimes they are in a small hut or generally just sitting on the ground.
At this point, they exert their authority ! They never ever rush. After what can seem like hours, they walk very very slowly towards the barrier. At this point you are thinking, please, please……… go on walk to the cone and kick it to the side!. If this happens they kick it 2 or 3 times to the side of the road and you are free to drive/ride on through, generally giving what is probably quite close to a salute as you go through. However if you are unlucky, as I was last week the following happens ………….
Im happily going through a trading centre called Masuku,….. a route I take almost daily, but this time there was a temporary Road Block.. True to form I stop and wait for the “kick” I get the slow walk, but this time he walks to the car, ……… thoughts ” Really? Just kick the cone twice !” but no he comes up to the window. I wind it down. First words after exchanging the only greeting I know – Muli bwanji ( How are you – sort of !! ) Ndili bwino, Kai enu ?zikomo ( I am well, How are you? thank you ) and then after that Im lost. As in all foreign languages after the first few phrases Im generally lost, and just keep repeating yes in what ever country Im in – Oui, oui has got me through a lot of really complicated discussions in France – havent understood a word but Im the only one that knows that ! So in Malawi I’ve been saying “Ai” which sounds similar to the Scottish Aye meaning yes.
Until only very recently I’ve discovered I’ve been saying ‘No” to everyone as “Ai” actually means “No” ! I mean who’d have thought it ! No wonder they look at me strangely !
Anyway, after exchanging the customary greetings, out come those famous Traffic Policeman’s words ………… “We’re thirsty”
Kind of stumps you – so you respond with – Oh dear or words to that effect. Then he repeats it several times. I respond with “That’s a shame” Oh dear” “So am I ” “I havent got any drinks!” and so the conversation goes round in a circle, until eventually he gives up and kicks the cone not in frustration but thats what his left foot is for .
I carry on with my journey to the school. On my return I stop at a Trading Centre and think Im sure they will still be there, so i buy 2 bottles of Fanta. Now in Malawi you have to understand that Fanta is a generic term for any fizzy drink If it’s Sprite or Sobo or Coca cola – its all Fanta ! So I buy my 2 bottles of Fanta and set off. And sure enough the temporary road block is still there.
I stop. Wait the customary 3 minutes and along he walks a bit like an umpire when he goes to consult the other umpire in a game of cricket ( no idea where that simile came from …..must be my English heritage ) and up he comes to the window. I wind it down feeling particularly pleased with myself and before he can Mulli my Bwanji I say Ive bought you 2 drinks !!! His immediate response …………………. “There’s four of us !” ……… Damn I never thought to look ! Anyway I say something like I’ll remember next time and drive on. However, only yesterdayI was told that when they say they are thirsty, it actually means they would like some money ! No wonder he looked disappointed with 2 bottles of ‘Fanta”
I carry on my journey back home, only to be stopped again some 20 km further down the road ……. a police block with oil drums and cone! And over walks a rather portly gentleman who I recognise from previous encounters, dressed in Traffic Policeman’s uniform. “Muli ……….” and “Indili …….” given. He greeted me like a long lost friend.
“Where are you going? I saw you going out this morning”
“Yes I saw you too. Im going home to Mangochi” I replied
“Will you give me a lift to Idrusi as I’m in need of some chips? I am hungry !”
Now did that mean he really was hungry or does he just need money for chips ? I decide on the latter, and reply in a most positive way …… “Of course I can give you a lift.”
“Thats great,. Can you give me a lift back as well?”
Well when a portly Malawian Officer of the Law asks a question its normally best to answer “Of course I can …….No problem !” …. as he tucks his rifle under the car seat and off we go …..
It’s all in a days work !
And talking of a journey home just had to take these photos as an example of a journey home from work – beats the M6 at rush hour !
Next blog and definitely no procrastination more about working with and training Head Teachers and Teachers as part of the Project – fun times !
Much of my time has been spent travelling along the roads of Malawi. 
Now I should at this point, make it clear that there are two sorts of roads in Malawi, those that are roads and those that aren’t ! No road signs at all. The directions that are given are – “When you get to the tarmac ……. ” or “Or turn when the tarmac finishes ….” But riding on your motor bike along these roads is just one of the most amazing experiences that Ive ever had. One that I must admit when I was dodging around the cones in England trying to just sit on it and not fall off – is something that I hadn’t even thought about. Even travelling along the tarmac and I will distinguish the two roads as ‘tarmac’ and dust/sand’ you just get a sense of open space that is populated by people who just move along the road. Now that sounds weird but let me try to explain ………
People walk everywhere. Literally they just walk. You think now where have you just come from, because there are no huts or houses to be seen, but very rarely do you ride along a road and not see anyone. Not many cars at all just lots of people – And not only where did they come from but where are they going to ? Just people walking, on their own , in twos or threes. Then this strange guy or “Masungu” as we are called rides past on a trials bike! Inside my head I think i look like ‘Steve Mcqueen’ but realistically probably more like Mr Pastry ( for the younger generation ask someone to explain !)
Then the jars and baskets of fruit and sweet potatoes just laid there as though they are just left by someone.
Many of the houses are made from these bricks. Actually its a sign of wealth to have the houses of bricks. A lot of the houses are of a natural construction
The villages that you go past on the roads are all mainly of these constructions.
which was amazing in itself, 
or my journeys on the local bus on a 5 hour journey which literally had so many people packed in with bags and baggages ( I was sat in the aisle with someone else’s bag on my lap – haha ) that it took 30 minutes just to let someone off!. 
short the little girl talked to me throughout the journey. Every so often we stopped to let people off and suddenly we were surrounded by faces at the windows of people selling anything from crisps, fruit, sweets, toys, onions, vegetables. and somethings that I didn’t even recognise but was set straight by my information partner next to me. At the stop before I got off, I lost my little Malawian guide as she got off. She insisted that I took a selfie of us and she disappeared off the bus.. Just as we were about to set off suddenly she appeared back on the bus at the front gave the biggest smile in the world ever and waved. It was just like an image from the closing shots of a movie and actually an image that I will always remember
The sheer size of classes, upwards from 100 to 250 children in a room with literally a blackboard and no other resources. The expanse of ground that each classroom sits on with no real boundaries for the children to play in, just an open very sandy ground. Or I could talk about an amazing school and an Irish guy who is really trying to change the way children are taught by creating and building classrooms and working with teachers in order to bring the best out of the children. I have got all those ideas stored in my head, but the trouble is each day brings a new situation and experience. There must be a book in this somewhere ( if only I could write !!! )
People walking probably equal the number of bicycles being ridden. If you’ve ever been to Cambridge or Oxford, you’ll know that there are bicycles everywhere. Compared to Mangochi the number of bicycles in these two University towns are minimal. There are bicycles everywhere. Many of them are taxi bicycles, with a 
padded seat on the back of the saddle. When I say padded, slight exaggeration as its more like a very thin seat covered in leather. You can either sit sidesaddle or just go for it and sit with your legs either side. Walking down the roads every 50 metres there are ‘taxi bicycles’ strapping enormous loads on to the back of the bikes, people climbing on to the back of the bike with all kinds of articles and bags just balanced on their heads, boxes, plates of fruit, clothes wrapped in a large sheet you name it they balance it on their head. When you initially see the goods balanced on the head you think that its amazing how they do it, but to then get on the back of a bicycle and still balance it, is just awesome. Whilst walking along the street today, I was continually asked if I wanted a ride. I declined adding Id rather walk. With every request to ride you get a very cheery smile, and a laugh and a joke about why not ride instead of walk.
The main streets as I said are mainly tarmac but the side roads are very much dirt tracks. deciding to go and explore, particularly on the motor bike can be an experience as the back wheel slides from side to side as you go over the sand. I guess its a bit like riding on a beach. Which is very similar to the paths that people walk along when they aren’t walking along the road! It’s exactly like a path that leads down to a beach, reasonably hard but covered in sand and dust. In many places there are small blue plastic bags which have been discarded. Being one of very few none Malawians, if not the only one ! I walk down the street and I am fairly conspicuous. Most people look at you and a great many say hello in all different sorts of ways but the main greeting is – “Hello, How are you, Very well thank you” This is usually said with a smile and in one continuous breath even before I can say “Hello” and “How are you?” The warmth of people is amazing. If you smile even just slightly the greeting always always comes straight back “Hello, How are you, Very well thank you”
The staple diet is either chicken (in all forms) and Nsima. This is cooked, ground white maize flour that is used as the stodge ( and I mean that in the nicest way) for the majority of malawian meals. Eaten with your fingers this was my introduction to Malawian food. But to eat it you have to wash your hands first. I walked over to the sink and turned the tap on but no water. Fortunately my ‘minder’ while I’m country orientating was with me and asked them to turn on the water. Apparently it is turned off to save for when there is a problem with water supply. As I don’t have a big appetite I only managed one Nsima. As people had previously told me it has no taste at all but is very filling. So filling that I haven’t eaten another one – yet !
My home for the next few days is the Country Office in the guest house. I’m staying here until accommodation can be found for me in Mangochi. I guess at the moment I’m very lucky as I do have a fairly secure wifi access something I won’t have when I go ‘into the country . We have guards on the gates and it does take some getting used to them letting you out and then knocking on the
out for a yoghurt ! ( not that I used to eat yoghurt but you get the gist …………..and I do now! ……..)
money into a machine and click its done – in Malawi you get the personal touch. A lovely photo shop with a pulled curtain and a chair at the far end of the room. A gentleman with a camera appears and takes your photo – telling me head to the left, no thats too much, not enough – ( I really couldn’t do a photo shoot. ) And then hey presto in a few minutes you’re given your 2 Passport photos.
this is devised by people who just want to create patterns with cones and make you drive around them on a two wheeled vehicle that was never made to go round cones spaced only a few metres apart. So here we go again and according to local legend (or so I am told) if I’m ok on the bike then I will only need 5 days of training to be ready for the Malawian roads and if I hit the cones or don’t manoeuvre in a figure of 8, 6 times successfully I’ll need 15 days !!!!!!!!!! I can’t wait ! As I write this I am awaiting to hear the full verdict and the sentence !